Bottom of the Swamp

The New York Jets traded for major religious figure and sometimes football player Tim Tebow, today. The Jets are my favorite team. Tebow is my least favorite player. Oh, and I love our current quarterback Mark Sanchez.

The truth is, the two aren’t really in competition. Tebow will come in to be a slash player, not a quarterback. Meaning he’ll run the wildcat and come in as a running back/fullback/tight end, which is a more appropriate role for him. But because of the zealotry of his followers, there will no doubt be calls for him to attempt to be the starting  quarterback. Thing is, Mark Sanchez is just plain better than Tim Tebow (at football and at life) and always will be. Here’s why:

1) Body Gestures

Mark Sanchez is famous for celebrating his touchdowns in the same way as his receivers, by sticking his arms out like jet wings and running around like he’s flying. It’s team specific, it’s done in concert with everyone else on the team, and it’s a lot of fun to do. Go ahead, put your arms out and run around in circles right now. Silly fun, ain’t it?

Tebow celebrates by Tebowing. That is praying in the end zone and he’s gotten his mindless followers to do this as well. Just what we all need in sports, more praying. And good job on making sure that your name is a verb that means praying. Why would anyone think of any other name when they pray?

2) Origin

Mark Sanchez is originally from Southern California, a lush and beautiful paradise. A veritable Eden that lives just below the sunset. The home of Hollywood, where we see dreams brought to life and legends born. People fantasize about leaving their homes and problems behind and creating a new life on its beaches.

Tim Tebow is originally from Jacksonville, Florida, a post-apocalyptic hellscape, completely devoid of anything that could be considered human life. Florida, the wang of America, is known for its swamps and failing public schools. Of course, Tim Tebow was home-schooled, but that’s even worse because Florida is also known for its feral hillbilly swamp people. More crocodile than man, really.

3) Accuracy (I had to get an actual football one in here somewhere)

Mark Sanchez has been widely ridiculed for his lack of accuracy. In 2011, he completed only 56.7% of his passes. The typical benchmark for a successful quarterback in the NFL is 60%. But Sanchez’s stats can be a little misleading because he’s prone to being an up and down player. In fact, he had seven games last year where he completed 60% or more of his passes and two more where he missed that mark by less than 1%. His best game saw him complete 71.4% of his passes.

Tim Tebow completed 46.5% of his passes in 2011. He had only one game where we completed over 60% of his passes and two games in which he completed under 30% of his passes.

4) The Ladies

Mark Sanchez is dating Kate Upton

Tim Tebow, from what I can tell, is dating a fetus.

5) Foreskin

Mark Sanchez, as far as I know, has no stated opinions or deeply held beliefs about foreskin.

Tim Tebow is an avid foreskin collector.

6) New York, New York

Mark Sanchez actually loves New York. A guy with his looks, charisma, and USC background was made for the New York spotlight. Also, lots of clubs and model hobnobbing. If there’s anywhere in the league where a guy could pose shirtless in GQ before ever taking a snap in the NFL  and have it be okay, it’s New York.  Back to the models, with Jeter at the end of his career, we need someone new to step up and work his way through every model and actress in New York.

There’s a long and proud history of New York sports superstars living the Casanova lifestyle. We had Mickey Mantle, Joe Namath, and Walt “Clyde” Frazier. And then it seemed like the dream died. But in 1996, a new hope rose up, resurrecting the Yankees and our dreams of superstars with enough swagger to power the mojo of the other 8 million denizens of NYC. That hope was Derek Jeter. But now, his day is coming. Carmelo Anthony is locked up by LaLa and Amar’e Stoudamire is more interested in the fashion than the models. Jeremy Lin is all Jesusy. Help us, Mark Sanchez, you’re our only hope!

Tim Tebow likely thinks of New York as either Sodom or Gomorrah (I can’t figure out which). If there’s anywhere in the league where a guy could pose in an anti-choice Super Bowl ad before ever taking a snap in the NFL and have it not be okay, it’s New York. Just to spite his distaste for females and sexuality, let’s take another look at Kate Upton.

I know which QB I’d listen to in the huddle.